Why couples should flirt with each other every day — plus the ‘red flag’ to avoid

Flirting Can Boost Emotional Well‑Being, Experts Say

In a recent conversation with experts in human sexuality and relationship counseling, researchers highlighted the psychological and physiological benefits of flirting—provided it stays within healthy boundaries. Both clinicians point out that flirting, when practiced with a partner, can reinforce intimacy, boost confidence, and help couples maintain a spark that often fades over time.

What Is Flirting, and Why Does It Matter?

Mindy De Seta, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and mental‑health counselor based in Miami, Florida, describes flirting as “a one‑on‑one interpersonal experience, delivering a message that someone is interested in learning more about another person.” She emphasizes that the act is not merely playful banter; it triggers a cascade of brain chemicals linked to pleasure, reward, and social bonding. “It activates brain chemicals involved in pleasure, reward and social bonding,” De Seta explained, and it can also lower the stress hormone cortisol. “It builds confidence, it's a positive social interaction that improves self‑esteem,” she added, noting that people are drawn to flirt because it makes them feel attractive and desired.

De Seta stresses that flirting should remain between romantic partners or those actively pursuing romance. “It’s really hard to be platonic because it does release that bonding hormone,” she said, warning that the emotional payoff can be too strong for a purely non‑romantic relationship.

Red Flags and Re‑igniting the Spark

When people turn to flirt with someone outside their relationship, De Seta views it as a warning sign. “As a sexologist, I'm a huge believer that we must date and flirt with our partner every day,” she told reporters. “If flirting begins to extend beyond the relationship—from a coffee‑shop barista to a colleague at the office—stop immediately and redirect that energy toward the partner.” She advises partners to be vulnerable and to communicate what is missing: “Be vulnerable and go in with, ‘I miss this about us. I want to bring this back into our relationship.’ And don't forget to share, ‘This is what would make me feel attractive and desired by you.’”

How Everyday Life Undermines Intimacy

Anna Elton, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical sexologist in Massachusetts, points out that modern life often pushes affection and flirting to the back burner. “Couples struggling with intimacy often miss the fun they shared at the beginning of their relationships,” she said. “Affection, physical touch, flirting, and playfulness may become less frequent, making room for stress, conflict, and growing resentment.” Elton notes that body changes, aging, and stress can also erode confidence and desire, leading couples to say, “We don’t flirt.”

To counteract this drift, Elton suggests creating a “new language of flirting” that re‑introduces playful signals. She recommends simple gestures—a 20‑second hug or a six‑second kiss—as low‑stakes ways to reconnect. “Small acts of self‑care, such as applying lotion or following a skincare routine, can also help people feel more connected with themselves,” she added.

When Timing Is Everything

Both experts caution that flirting is not always appropriate. De Seta recounts couples who have attempted to flirt during mundane chores: “I’ve heard from my couples, ‘They were trying to flirt with me when I was unloading the dishwasher,’” she recalled. “There’s a time and place for flirting, and you have to be in the right headspace.” She warns that a partner in a stressed mood, heavily focused on work, or simply busy with a task may not be receptive. “Maybe when someone's in a stressed mood… this is not the right time.”

Positive cues—such as a partner leaning in, making eye contact, or smiling—can signal that flirting is welcome. De Seta advises that partners explicitly communicate about when and how flirting feels appropriate.

A Call to Re‑engage

The message from both De Seta and Elton is clear: flirting is a tool for strengthening emotional bonds, not a substitute for genuine communication. By integrating playful flirtation into daily routines and paying attention to timing and mutual comfort, couples can keep the intimacy alive. In an era where schedules, bills, and childcare often dominate, a few moments of flirtatious connection might be the missing ingredient that keeps partners emotionally close and physically connected.