The marriage warning sign that may be worse than fighting — and 4 ways to turn things around
Quiet Quitting in Marriage: What It Looks Like and How to Re‑ignite a Fading Connection
The phrase “quiet quitting” has entered everyday vocabulary after a wave of social‑media posts described it as a subtle form of disengagement in the workplace. Now experts are saying the same pattern is emerging in marriages across the country. The term is not a formal diagnosis, but rather a way to describe couples who stay together while gradually pulling back their emotional investment, communication, and everyday involvement.
Who’s Talking About It?
The concept has been highlighted by two professionals with very different backgrounds.
- James Sexton – a New York City divorce attorney who has represented hundreds of couples who are either divorcing or navigating difficult separations.
- Dr. Mindy DeSeta – a clinical sexologist and licensed mental‑health counselor in Miami who treats couples struggling to rekindle intimacy after decades of marriage.
Both experts point to similar warning signs and offer practical, low‑effort strategies for restoring connection.
When Does Quiet Quitting Usually Start?
“Some couples seek help after about thirty years of marriage, when the demands of family life have eased,” says DeSeta. “The kids are gone, or they’re hitting that retirement age, so they don’t have the life distractions, and they’re realizing, ‘Wow. I actually quiet quit my relationship when my kids were toddlers.’”
In other words, the disconnection often surfaces years after the honeymoon phase, as couples settle into routine and the “extra” effort that once sustained the relationship fades.
Where Does It Manifest?
The two experts agree that quiet quitting can look the same in any setting—home, work, or social life:
- Communication drops – conversations become perfunctory or avoided entirely.
- Emotional distance – one partner may “zone out” during shared activities, turning a phone or tablet into a third party.
- Separate routines – evenings, bedtimes, exercise schedules, and even social circles drift apart.
DeSeta lists four typical changes:
- The couple stops spending evenings together.
- Their favorite shows and music diverge.
- Bedtimes no longer coincide.
- Friend groups split and workouts happen at different times.
Sexton notes that conflict alone is not a definitive indicator. “When people are fighting, it kind of means there’s still skin in the game,” he explains. “The opposite of love is not hate… it’s indifference.”
Why Is It a Problem?
When couples quietly disengage, the relationship can linger in a state of “co‑existence” without genuine intimacy. Sexton warns that this can feel easier for one partner than the “trauma” of divorce, and the person who quietly withdraws may be perceived as the “victim” rather than the “perpetrator.” He stresses that a lack of effort can actually be a larger red flag than frequent fights.
How Can Couples Reconnect?
Both Sexton and DeSeta emphasize small, intentional actions over grand gestures. The goal is to rekindle momentum without overwhelming the partner.
1. Revisit Simple Rituals
Sexton suggests:
“Send a sweet ‘good morning’ text, write a note complimenting your partner, or share a song that sparked a romantic memory. It costs nothing, takes 30 seconds to do it.”
He encourages using positive framing. Instead of saying, “We never spend time with each other anymore,” try recalling a cherished memory and proposing a similar activity.
2. Engage in Active Listening
DeSeta recommends asking personal, open‑ended questions such as, “How was your day?” to signal genuine interest and to break the phone‑driven “third member” effect.
She emphasizes the importance of “asking personal questions—like ‘how was your day?’—can help restore a connection.”
3. Keep the Romance Alive
Both experts note that flirting and subtle affection can signal ongoing romantic interest. DeSeta says: “Let your partner know that you are there to earn them every day. Let them know in the most subtle ways every single day that you care about them, that you’re thinking about them.”
4. Maintain Perspective
Sexton reminds couples that time together is finite. “Every single person in your life is not permanently gifted to you – they’re loaned.” He advises that illness or tragedy should not be the sole catalyst for renewed effort; the relationship requires continuous, intentional work.
A Broader Context
According to a separate study cited by DeSeta, nearly one in three married Americans are not having sex. While the reasons vary—from physical health to emotional distance—quiet quitting may be an underlying factor in many of those cases.
The term itself is informal. “Quiet quitting” is not a clinical diagnosis, but the pattern it describes has clear implications for marital stability and satisfaction.
Bottom Line
Couples who feel their relationship has become “just another arrangement” may be experiencing quiet quitting. Recognizing the subtle signs—like reduced conversation, separate routines, or frequent phone use during shared time—can be the first step toward healing. By implementing small, consistent acts of connection, partners can restore intimacy and potentially avert the need for a formal separation.
Maine residents, as elsewhere, can take this national conversation to heart. Whether you’re in the early stages of marriage or have shared a life for decades, the lesson is simple: paying attention and expressing appreciation can keep the flame alive, even after the honeymoon fades.