Mainers offer 6 tips for family caregivers
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Aging in Maine is presented by AARP Maine
AARP Maine empowers people 50-plus to choose how they live as they age through advocacy, resources, programs, and benefits that strengthen communities, support caregivers and promote financial security and well-being.
Karen Groves has been taking care of her 93-year-old mother, Jean Groves, for five years.
Karen Groves and her mother, Jean Groves, of South Berwick. (Courtesy of Karen Groves)
Her mom lives at Berwick Estates, an assisted living facility near Groves’ home in South Berwick, but Groves sees her mother almost daily, taking her to twice-weekly dialysis treatments, plus other medical and hair appointments.
The retired Portsmouth Naval Shipyard engineer is never far away in case she gets a call from Berwick Estates — her mom has a variety of health, mobility and cognitive issues and has already been hospitalized four times this year.
“I feel very tied down,” said Groves, 69. “Usually once a year, one of my kids will cover for me for a few days. Then I can go away without waiting for the phone to ring. Last year I went to Vermont for four days and the mental break was amazing.”
As Maine’s population ages, taking care of its older residents is becoming an increasingly urgent issue. From the stress of rural isolation to a shortage of workers to complicated federal Medicare guidelines, this guide helps Mainers learn about the services, technology and resources available to caregivers and the parents, spouses, neighbors and friends they’re caring for.
Making time for yourself is one piece of advice Groves and other family caregivers offered to those who may be new to or still struggling with challenges that come with caring for an aging relative.
Nancy Jo Polito, of Portland, cared for her mother and wrote a book about the experience. (Gregory Rec/Staff Photographer)
Nancy Jo Polito, 78, of Portland, wrote a book, “Taking Care of Business: Tales of a Caregiver,” about caring for her mother, Isabel Profenno Polito, who died in 2010 at age 93.
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Her mother suffered from multiple health problems throughout her life, so Polito began helping out around the house when she was 5 years old and never stopped. When her mother fell and broke her wrist at age 89, she moved to a skilled nursing facility.
Polito’s concerns about the quality of care her mother received there led her to become a super advocate, regularly monitoring her mother’s meals, medications, bathing schedule, foot care and even doctor’s orders for medical tests and treatments.
“You just can’t admit someone and walk away and feel good about it,” Polito said. “You have to be an advocate to make sure they’re getting the right care.”
Here are some tips from the front lines of caregiving:
1. Get comfortable with being an advocate
It can be challenging, but it’s probably the most valuable role in caregiving — being an advocate and a witness to ensure a loved one receives proper care. That includes medical appointments, for in-home services and in long-term care facilities.
Visit and call regularly, ask questions and stop by randomly to see how living conditions measure up.
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“You have to keep open communication and you have to stay on top of it,” Polito said. “I was told I was too pushy, but they like it when you don’t come in all the time.”
2. Learn what services are available
Search the internet for family caregiver programs that are available in your area. Elder care and social service agencies can help. AgeMaine, formerly Southern Maine Agency on Aging, is a good place to start.
“Be resourceful,” said Marvella Heard, 56, of Biddeford, who cares for her 79-year-old father, Samuel. “I wasn’t ready for all this. It’s complicated, like they don’t want it to be easy. It’s trial and error, but you figure things out.”
3. Meet with an elder law attorney
Whether you are a caregiver charged with overseeing a loved one’s finances and personal affairs, or you want to make long-range plans for yourself, an elder law attorney can help.
In addition to estate planning, which includes wills, trusts, powers of attorney, healthcare proxies and advanced directives, elder law attorneys handle asset protection, long-term care plans, government benefits, guardianships and elder abuse prevention.
Clare Herrmann, of Portland, cares for her husband, Jim Vollmar. The couple, both 78, found some peace of mind meeting with an elder law attorney.
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“It takes all the questions out of it,” Herrmann said. “Who will take care of your finances? Who will make sure you have proper care as you age? All of that needs to be in writing and it’s hard to come up with all the ‘what ifs’ on your own.”
To find an elder law attorney, check the Maine State Bar Association’s Lawyer Referral Service or the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys.
4. Put family controversy aside
Caring for an aging family member is often challenging on its own. Don’t let old grudges with siblings or other relatives make it more difficult.
“Put personal feeling aside and focus on caring for the person,” Heard said. “It’s very important to stick together at times like this. Be there for each other and one person won’t be overwhelmed.”
5. Take care of yourself
Reach out for assistance through elder care agencies, peer support groups and community organizations. Engage in activities that connect you with others outside the sphere of caregiving. Make time to do what makes you happy, even if it’s only for a few hours.
For Groves, that means treating any free day like an adventure, so she goes hiking or to a museum. She also enjoys volunteering and still makes time for it, teaching balance exercise classes for older adults.
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“I find it gratifying and inspiring,” Groves said. “Volunteering was always going to be a big part of my retirement and I don’t want to give that up.”
6. Cut yourself some slack
It’s easy to feel guilty if you think you’re not doing enough as a caregiver, especially when a loved one gets sick or injured in a fall.
“You get waves of that,” Polito said. “You blame yourself when things happen. You feel you should have done more. You just have to let it go. It’s insurmountable at times. You can’t do it all.”
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Tagged: caregiver guide, health care, long-term care
Kelley writes about Maine businesses large and small, focusing on economic development, workforce initiatives and the state’s leading business organizations. Her wider experience includes municipal and. More by Kelley Bouchard
